Gift Critic Pillows

Child's Birthday: 'More junk, I bet!'

Birthday Complaint and Return Department

'More junk, I bet!'

'Do you have to return everything I buy you, Helen?'

"Every year it's the same old thing. Another pair of socks and another double chin."

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

"The Box is bigger, the contents smaller, increased the price and called it improved."

CEO.

Final words on gravestones.

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

On the fifth day, Neville opts for jewelry.

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

The Re-Giving Tree

"Read the card! Read the card!"

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

"Tell your assistant it's perfect."

'Wait until you see what you got me!'

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

"I'm not giving up the present till I see the party bag."

"I see many gifts. They say do not open till Christmas."

"I just keep getting this urge to say 'Bah Humbug'!"

'Where are you, Mrs. Harris? I have another delivery for you.'

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

'You're kidding? Your birthday wasn't REALLY six weeks ago was it, darling?'

"Honey - this is soooo special!"

"I just love your use of lying"

"He'll expect something nice. I'm his best friend."

"Sorry I'm late. Argos was a nightmare."

'Eric, who gave me a handmade bookmark for Christmas, gets a 62 percent on the midterm. Ann gave me a mug. She gets a 71. Gina gave me a weekend for two in Vienna. She scored a 98!'

'Hey Larry! Jim here! Haven't seen you since way last Christmas! How the heck are ya, dude?'

'You remembered our anniversary!'

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'