Germ-fearing Gurus Gifts

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Gesundheit.'

COVID 19

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Health advice does change over time, but I doubt if we'll EVER be recommending a diet of pizza and beer."

"Always give a good, firm handshake...then immediately sanitize your hands."

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

'I'm fist-bumping all of my patients now, because it spreads fewer germs than a handshake.'

There's no reason to feel guilty - You're not the only vegetarian to get swine flu.

Covid Games

Employees must wash hands.

"Hold on – you don't know whose paws have touched that butter board."

I'll have a gluten-free, hypoallergenic vegan cookie with whipped hand-sanitizer topping. Is your whipped hand-sanitizer organic? Totally. There's not a thing in it that can possibly hurt you. Can you BOIL the cookie just to be sure? That'll be extra.

Swines

"Do you know how unsanitary double-dipping is?"

"Needs more Purell."

'Good evening, ladies and germs.'

"....But....flu season's over."

"Ummm, thanks, but I'm good."

Botanical Research Institute "Will work for seed money"

'Your prescription is ready. Please don't approach the counter. I'll toss it to you.'

Knowing the dangers of being a Church Greeter during cold and flu season, Harold stocks up on hand sanitizer.

"Kung Flu Fighting."

The office is a breeding ground for winter cold and flu germs.

'Why can't you just read seed catalogs in the winter like other gardeners?'

"Turns out hands are like soup. The more you wash the smaller they get."

"It kind of kills the mood with you leaving every five minutes to wash your hands."

'Look...this place is a health hazard!'

'Yes, but Mum says don't lent it to anyone. Sniff, sniff.'

Meet the candidate...VOTE YOMP: 'Forgive me if I don't shake hands- germs, you know!'

"Good luck - watch out for the 20 second power douche tsunamis - and stay safe."

"And lately I've stopped washing my hands after only 18 seconds."

"I think I just touched my face!!!