General Health Practitioner Gifts

Heimlich's Mother's Maneuvers

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Your contents have shifted."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"The first one's just a warning."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

"I can't give you a prescription for milk and cookies."

Cardiac Recovery.

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

Physician tending a mummy.

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."