Genealogy Guru Pillows

"We don't need to go that far into your background."

'Scientists at the Human Genome Project have located a gene that makes us want to constantly look for our name on search engines.'

"Albert Morris? But I've spent the last six months researching Alberta Morris?!"

When you said you were going to track down your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET.

'Yes it's a long and illustrious family tree Mr Yousif, but what I really need from you is a passport.'

Family DNA

Man: 'My family tree is infested with termites.'

"Do you have a card for the second step mother of my third wife's brother on her cousins side?"

Boris Johnson related to Mummy

'Boy, my dad's geneology is strictly 'x' rated.'

The dna double helix, with a human family taking the place of the dna rungs (or bases), illustrating genetic inheritance within the family

'Brace yourself -- You're related to Bill Clinton by blood, and two of your cousins were once married to Rudy Giuliani.'

Although Tall Enough to Play Basketball, Had There Been such a Thing, the Emperor Charlemagne Was the Son of King Pepin the Short

"Your great-grandfather moved here in 1935. You know where he lived?"

After spending months researching his family tree, Mr Henshaw could think of little else.

"Hello Tech Support. I'm stuck in the Family Tree again."

"Hi everyone, thanks for channeling in to help me with my ancestry project."

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

Several generations live together in Cuba

"Could you tell me how to get to cedar grove, New Jersey? I want to see where my grandfather was born."

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

'You never met my father? Never mind, I'm turning into him!'

Welsh airport arrivals.

'The suspense is killing us. Which one is our grandchild?'

'He's got your nose.'

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

DNA Analysis.

'I would love to be more energetic, but there is nothing I can do: It's a genetic condition...'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

"That's lovely darling, but I don't think that's what your teacher meant when she asked you to draw your family tree..."

'I know it's hard to believe. But biological speaking, they're our closest relatives.'

Send us $2.00, and we'll send you Your Family Tree

'DNA...nature's bar code.'

Well, I'll be...Dutch Elm Disease!