Geared Up Guru Gifts

"They're padded shorts: yes, your butt looks big."

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

'It finally took me thirty years, but I finally have one of every 3-D comic book ever made'

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

'My purse! The original 24-hour pharmacy.'

"I really don't care what yours says. My weather app says rain for 40 days and 40 nights. I think you should probably go with that, Noah."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

Den Furniture

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

'This app tells me how near my friends are...'

"Finally, a co-worker who CAN handle Big data!"

Cartoon computer

'Hey! It's way too early to declare me, 'Nerd of the Century'!'

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

Hose and Flower in Perfect Harmony.

"Excuse me, it's my reminder to get a life."

"Oh...that's not good."

The Last Jerseys.

"I have 130 disciples following me on Twitter."

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'I understand the Adirondacks are where it's REALLY happening.'

"I was solving those same problems when I was your age."

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

All-knowing mountain guru consults the internet.

'My date last night was a 10. Of course, I'm using the binary system.'

'Are you SURE we're not allowed to telecommute?'

"Maybe when they're a little older, my son can help yours with his homework."

Robot Psychiatry. But if I get in touch with my inner mechanisms, won't that void my warranty?

"Excruciating boredom, my son, is the beginning of wisdom."

"Like the boy scouts, Preacher; always prepared."

There's no way you could have attained Nirvana already — you don't even have hemorrhoids yet.

Hoping to appear 'hipper,' many candidates are sporting Justin Bieber haircuts.'

"I'm sorry, Derek, but, now that Kelsey has learned how to convert JPEGs into PDFs, we can't justify keeping you on."