Garden Avoider Extraordinaire Pillows

"But you told me you were on gardening leave, so why can't you come and help me in the garden?"

Dear Santa, please can I have a powerful herbicide for Christmas. Best wishes, Adam.

'I had a wonderful garden last year. Bark beetles, aphids, mealy worms, thripes, wax seal, gray mold, and grubs!'

Good News about winter

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

'Where are you going?'

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

How to deal with weeds

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'My Dad gave him a parking ticket for standing on his vegetable patch!'

The Golfer Gardener

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"I've just sacked the gardener as you said Dear.."

'Remember, Son, to occasionally take time to stop and pee on the roses.'

"If you can find the mower in that lot, I'll do it!"

'We planted some birds of paradise for ironic flair.'

"Don't even think about it!"

"I'm just going to stay in the car until all the bees die off."

Neighbourhood watch and slug watch.

'Beautiful day out there, folks. Don't miss it. Complete coverage, coming up next.'

'Nobody said anything about a bagpipe ban.'

Too posh to wash...

'Nature makes me nervous!'

"We can't stay. Charles freaks out without some electronic device beeping or blinking at him."

'Why do I always fall for the guys who treat me like dirt?'

"Have you SEEN what an angry slug can do to a delphinium?"

'Ha! Who said flowers don't have a sense of humour?'

Runaway leaf.

"You raised it from a mutant seed, you whack it."

A sandworm eats a statue of Buddha

Virtual priority