Garden Avoider Extraordinaire T-Shirts

"But you told me you were on gardening leave, so why can't you come and help me in the garden?"

Dear Santa, please can I have a powerful herbicide for Christmas. Best wishes, Adam.

'I had a wonderful garden last year. Bark beetles, aphids, mealy worms, thripes, wax seal, gray mold, and grubs!'

Good News about winter

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

'Where are you going?'

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

'Dan sculpted the shrubs to look like hunters to keep the deer from eating them.'

How to deal with weeds

'My Dad gave him a parking ticket for standing on his vegetable patch!'

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

'Do you get the feeling we're being watched?' Moles prepare for their assault on a newly mowed lawn

'Unfortunately, Mr.Beckons, your son Dean is very allergic to grass. . .'

The Golfer Gardener

"I've just sacked the gardener as you said Dear.."

"If you can find the mower in that lot, I'll do it!"

"I'm just going to stay in the car until all the bees die off."

'Remember, Son, to occasionally take time to stop and pee on the roses.'

"Don't even think about it!"

'We planted some birds of paradise for ironic flair.'

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

Neighbourhood watch and slug watch.

'Beautiful day out there, folks. Don't miss it. Complete coverage, coming up next.'

'Nobody said anything about a bagpipe ban.'

'Nature makes me nervous!'

Too posh to wash...

"Have you SEEN what an angry slug can do to a delphinium?"

'Why do I always fall for the guys who treat me like dirt?'

"We can't stay. Charles freaks out without some electronic device beeping or blinking at him."

'Ha! Who said flowers don't have a sense of humour?'

Runaway leaf.

"You raised it from a mutant seed, you whack it."

'Gerald now does everything on his 'human transporter' - including mowing the lawn.'