Gambler's Humorist Pillows

'He's easy to bluff...'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'I don't like to take chances.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

Self Help / Elf Help.

'You can't come in here with that.'

"I cross the road to forget."

'No, you can't play poker tonight! The last time you played, you lost Schewig-Holstein!'

"Better luck next time, kid."

'The Lemming Book Store'