Laughing Gambler Pillows

Billy strip: dad doesn't get to shuffle the horses.

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

December 26 - Vegas, office (post) Christmas party.

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

'Our ceiling is under repair--sorry.'

Despite his perfect 'Poker Face'. the others always seemed to know when Toby had a good hand...

'I'll see your dirty laundry, and raise you six children.'

Man sees sign on betting shop door listing odds on when the proprietor will come back from lunch.

Mary's Botox injections paid for themselves in no time.

'The cat does like having something to scratch.'

'Twas the night after Christmas.

'Whoever's guess is closest to the time when the last needle falls off the tree wins the hundred-dollar pool!'

Vending machines at work: Snacks, Coffee, Glimmer of Hope

'I actually make a lot more money as a bookmaker than I ever did as a race horse...'

'I used to be really depressed about losing the superlotto, but then I found this support group, and I realized I'm not the only person who hasn't won.'

'I know it's a long shot but wouldn't it be worth hanging on until after the wednesday lottery draw?'

'Psst. I got a powerful feeling Jimbo has a full house.'

A child pulls the lever of a machine that is combination of both a slot machine and a gumball machine.

"How long have you been wasting our money on lottery tickets?"

'I'm not sure, but I think illegal gambling is when you WIN.'

Kenny Rogers Laundromats: We know when to fold 'em."

"I'd like 13,983,816 lottery tickets please..."

'I like being last in line. That way, I'm the last fool to part with his money.'

Fruit machine...

'No, I DON'T want to make a side bet on the spelling test!'

"Wow, Tia Carmen! This is a big shrine!"

"Here's that lottery ticket I told you about! I matched all but five numbers! And I bought it on Thursday instead of Tuesday! Other than that, I would have won!"

"Do all your casinos have these?"

Casino. Don

Cabby and facetious fare

"And it turned out that the e-mail I binned really was from a Nigerian oil millionaire wanting to give me ?200 million."

'Excuse me, but do you have any 'Play in one more poker tournament and you're a dead man' cards?'

Clancy: Women and Horse-Racing

'I had a bad day at the bookies-and you?'