Future Blockbuster Skeptic Gifts

'I like to keep up-to-date with the movies I'll be hating next year.'

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'So no animals were harmed in that movie...but how about the audience?!'

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

At the 'Feel Good' movie of the year.

"It wasn't as good as his first book, 'Eating Worms.'"

You've got to stop getting all your history from Youtube and Netflix. Why? Because those are videos. People who make videos are making entertainment. It it's entertaining that means someone's constructed story. If it's a story, that means they left out or twisted whatever doesn't logically fit their narrative as told from one point of view. Accurate history would be completely illogical. Oliver Stone would disagree.

"Two directors, three adaptations plus 3-D, and they STILL screw it up!"

"Please, no more movies about feelings."

"Oh yes, I've got the whole business computerised now"

"I hate these walkabouts. Did you remember to get me some corn plasters?"

"Is there a discount for someone who doesn't want to see the movie?"

'We'd like to return it. There wasn't any on-screen chemistry between us.'

"I'm not a fan of biblical movies."

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

The Sequel is Coming

Numb and Number.

Permanent Annoying Logo TV.

'We spend a fortune on a big screen and he watches everything on his phone!'

'I can't see any future in my business.'

"Would anyone like to hear about my bathroom extension?"

'I've traveled back in time to warn you...in the future you'll be charged a fee to watch television AND the commercials, you'll need a computer to hear music, and morons roam the streets with tiny phones they talk extremely loud into!'

Want to go see "Ant-Man," little buddy? NO WAY!!! My whole life, I've had this recurring nightmare where I shrink and shrink and shrink

He's a true legend, but only the part about dubious veracity.

"I'm sorry, but I can't commit to a full movie."

"And now the Oscar for the film that everyone claims they want to see when they ACTUALLY saw 'Fifty Shades Freed'."

'Bob was horrified when he realised that he'd mixed up the perscriptions'

"I'm not so ready for interactive television."

"I've been watching British shows on hulu. They're strange."

'The sequel is never as good as the original.'

"Honey, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep the details of our marriage more analog than digital."