Furniture Builder Gifts

"Thank God you're here, first I need your help assembling this Ikea exorcism futon."

In the 1856 poem "Maud Miller," John Greenleaf Whittier famously wrote "For all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I disagree with this, and believe Mister Whittier would see things differently if he was alive now. Living in today's world, the saddest words are "Some assembly required."

'Your new grade level rates an office, but the furniture comes assembly required.'

"Scheme to keep the Taliban occupied, whilst ground forces move in..."

Why some marriages work

"With or without directions this time?"

"Nurse, the allen key, please."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

Painting by the numbers for adults

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

'Good news. I found where the termites have been living.'

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

"Thanks! Carl put his heart and soul into it, along with, of course, lots of mud and a boatload of his own saliva."

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

'I found the termites!'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"Something went wrong after you inserted tab A into slot B."

Another All Steel Home Built By Wit Construction.

God's Subcontractors

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

'The housing market may be flat, but pillow-fort construction is blooming!'

"Ikea for hippies" 1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

The Lion, the witch and the flat-pack self-assembly wardrobe: lion and witch putting a wardrobe together.

"This new chair has the smoothest 360 swivel action on the market!"

Fittd shēt

"Well, yes, it's not what you would call a practical nest, but my wife insisted on using an architect..."

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'