Funny Family Story Collector Pillows

'I have reason to believe that my sister is getting a bigger allowance than me. I think you and mom should be more forthcoming and transparent.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'Casey laughed so hard at lunch milk came out his nose...or as we say now... he had a liquid food malfunction.'

Newborn making the V-sign

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"I've been window-shopping..."

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

I told you I lost it in the sun.

A frog catches an insect truck.

"I know about the tooth fairy, but I feel a bit young to be selling off my body parts!"

Whining SUV.

"There, there, dear. It's perfectly normal for a new bride on her wedding night to shit like a goose on her husband."

"The dish and the spoon? Huh. I did not see that coming."

Be polite to your acupuncturist at all times. A basic life lesson hard learned.

I've heard that you've beaten the Hare, so I've come to challenge you...

'I've known you a long time and it's time I told you the truth, I'm not really a person, I'm just a suit full of chickens..'

'I'll bet my Dad's pants are bigger than yours.'

'Hey mom, look! One of Dad's old report cards! Boy, has he got a lot of explaining to do!'

'It was owned by a little ol' lady who didn't drive it. She used a motor scooter on Saturdays.'

"That's your uncle Colin. He's the black sheep of the family."

Annual meeting of the American Telemedical Association.

'The following video contains scenes of swearing and violence' - Family holiday

Polygamist

Gingerbread man has picture of cook with chef's hat and spoon signed Mom on his desk.

Humpty's Mom

Evil Queen

"Back in my day, we wore masks, stayed six feet apart, and lived for the moments in between panic attacks."