Funny Doctor Advice Gifts

"9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

When it comes to health issues, I'd rather listen to a physician than a spin doctor.

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

"Loss of libido? Have you considered Husband Replacement Therapy?"

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Well, if you don't smoke or drink, stop chewing gum!'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

"Don't eat anything fatty...you're not listening, Fatty...I said, 'Don't eat anything!'"

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

"After giving advice for decades, my doctor gave me some. He suggested I quit sitting all day."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

"You must cut down on your smoking."

'You've never starved a fever, have you?'

Outingpatient

"You have to start exercising. Running your mouth, skipping meals, and jumping to conclusions won't help you."

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."