Frustrated Policy Holder Gifts

'I'd like to be frozen until health insurance will cover my pre-existing conditions.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

The Public Option

"I need a pitchfork that's just a pitchfork."

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

Consortia set to take over

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"Your health insurance doesn't cover what you've got...so I'm diagnosing you with something they do cover."

"At this point we're no longer testing you. We're testing your insurance."

Sacking a unprofitable patient

Benchwarmer.

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'

Car Dealer

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'

'Dad, do you really think trying to sell me life insurance counts as quality time?'

"Congratulations...your cholesterol is lower than your copay."

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'

Misread medical policy.

"Your guess is as good as mine, but yours isn't covered by insurance."

'How much is it doc?' 'Fif...fif...fif...seventy five dollars.'

'You want to insure it? --Just exactly what are you implying, buster?'