Fruit Humorist Gifts

Conference Pears

"Really? She's clearly had some work done."

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

Lime Light

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

Cat eats date.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

'You've had enough!'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

Cupcake jumps out of cake.

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

The leaning tower of Pizza.

Man with a pizza in 'Lover's Lane.'

"I just explained 'kugel' to him."

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."