Former Sex Worker Gifts

"I finally gave up prostitution and the job corps sends me to a seminar called 'Selling Yourself'"

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

Before pagers,mobile phones and the internet.

'You do realize you're no longer a pro athlete and there is no preseason to work out the kinks, don't you?'

"And this is Helen, my wife by a previous marriage."

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"I prefer 'prostitute'. 'Media whore' implies that I'm not getting paid."

Ins and Outs of Sex Therapy

Good stripper cop / Bad stripper cop

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

Parson and abandoned husband

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

In and out, in and out, in and out...

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

Revenge Graffiti.

"According to the statistics in this article, you should be my ex-husband and be three months behind in alimony payments."

"Love is grand... divorce is a hundred grand."

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

Generation Ex.

'Your ex is calling. Her investment club bought 51 of the company, and you're fired!'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

'Sir, wife number two is on line one and wife number four is on line three ... or is it the other way around?'

Marriage Crash Investigation

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'