Foreign Language Raconteur Gifts

"How nice to be misunderstood in more than one language!"

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

'Thinking quickly, Ernie jerked out his instamatic and clicked away at his farm below.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That was Hadrian's wall. Now here we are crashing into the Great Wall of China."

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Social butterfly

Max Beerbohm

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

Brenda always had Safe sex

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

"Thanks - it was so fabulously regional. I mean, I can't close my eyes without seeing fajitas and Georgia O'Keeffe."

'Down on the farm!'

"And this is where I met your mum."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

Businessman As A Weather Vane

'During my trip around the World, I took some pictures with this new digital camera... here is my finger covering the lens in Sidney... here in New York... Rome... Lisbon... Hamburg...'

"Ya know, what really struck me the most about my trip to Bali was the $14 ham and cheese sandwich I discovered at JFK Airport."

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just