Young Raconteur Gifts

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Look dear, he's writing political speeches.'

Childrens Books. This pop-up book would make a great 3-D movie!

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

"I'm taking detailed notes of everything, so I can tell my kids what things were really like when I was their age."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

Children playing in the street

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

The Book Club

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

'Thinking quickly, Ernie jerked out his instamatic and clicked away at his farm below.'

"He assured me the merger is nothing to worry about."

And that, gentlemen, is my opinion for what it's worth.

"He can't come out to play right now...he's working on his autobiography."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

'Today's newspaper has my daddy as favourite for Sunday's race...'

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Max Beerbohm

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

"Before I read about my summer vacation, I'd like to ask that all pagers, beepers, and cell phones be turned off."

'I thought I told you not to play 'foreclosure eviction' with your sister's doll house!'

Careful

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."