Footy Faker Pillows

'You know nothing about football either? So we've both spent TWO HOURS bluffing?'

They hated me.

Yoga for Alcoholics

'She thinks I'm out every night training for the London Marathon.'

Are you aware...Professional soccer players who fake fouls with pretend injuries are eligible for a soccer oscar!

"I'm looking for a wife who likes to fish, go to the footy, play cards, watch TV, cook, drink and wash dirty socks."

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

"We've got the same ringtone!" (Two guys opening ring pull drinks cans).

"I don't feel like going to school. Isn't that a flu-like symptom?"

'It's the new iPed. It's a pedometer, a GPS, and it has apps that show you the nearest ice cream parlors and dessert shops.'

'Focus! Focus! You've just gotta' forget about their home ground advantage.

Fan-Centric Stadium

Wilfried Zaha

Football

U.S. World Cup Frenzy

'And if the scores remain level, you can text the name of the team you want to keep in the tournament.'

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

Football Crazy.

Footballers - Henrik Larrson

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

"Rest assured we invest your money as if it were our own. Can I borrow 50 bucks?"

"Won't be a minute Boss, just nippin' to the karzie."

Millwall - Hard Hat Area.

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"There was excitement at the match today, when a discussion over a VAR decision was interrupted by football breaking out on the pitch..."

'You see, I would make a great goalkeeper...'

Sam Allardyce

Referee

'The manager tol us not to let the other side see the ball and that's what I'm doing!'

'The bite was great but you forgot to clutch your face and fall to the ground waving an imaginary card...'

Nobody has been on the this team longer, without actually playing in a game than you guys. We're setting a benchmark!

Take up karate and learn how to break bricks with your cast.

"Pace yourself big man! You're fatigued and the footy season has just begun!"

Snowman with tree-trunk arms.

'Nice! But I call that the 'incredibly impossible forward bend'!'