Football Fakery Fan Pillows

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

Indoor Climbing Centre for Cats.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

If nobody had invented graphics

Football Chameleon

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Raheem Sterling

Pregnant Cheerleaders,

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

Alternative fielding positions

Football

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

"Uptight End"

"All of a dither as per usual!"

Kenny Dalglish

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'