Football Fakery Fan Pillows

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

Indoor Climbing Centre for Cats.

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

If nobody had invented graphics

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

Football Chameleon

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Pregnant Cheerleaders,

Football

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

Alternative fielding positions

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

"Uptight End"

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

'I've never seen so many strikers in one team before.'