Food Hacker Pillows

'Ellen didn't complain when we cut lunch to 15 minutes. She just replaced her office plants with lettuce.'

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

Weird things I do because of the internet

Gadget geek.

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

Giving Things Up For Lent.

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

'Well, look who has stock in Genomes-R-Us.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

'It's amazing what they can do with amino acids these days.'

"I bought you a cook book. Think of it as technical support."

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'No thanks, I couldn't download another byte.'

"I'm not eating a TV dinner. Now it's called 'Computer Cuisine.'"

"I love these fitness bracelets! it's like having a tamagotchi, but the tamagotchi is you."

Does your computer have a webcam? Yes. I've fixed it so no one can spy on me. What a tech genius! A band-aid solution that works!

"I've been feeling healthier since I attached my fitbit to the collar of my neighbor's terrier."

Seeing the marriage counselor.

"A hacker logged into my fitness tracker and stole my steps!"

"First, finish that genetically modified asparagus. Then you can have ice cream full of bovine growth hormone."

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

"He bought a thermometer for me, and I'm not even sick."

"Mom, vegetables may help me grow and give me energy, but what if I want to be short and underachieving?"

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

STRIP Hambone: "System been down long?"

Secrets of Adulthood.

Finally, I found a good use for that leak.

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

'Don't ask questions, Margaret -- Just get Bill Gates on the phone!'

"Our specials can also be accessed at www.todaysspecials.com."

'Now you can surf and turf.'

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

Addiction Research Centre.

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."