Food Critique Jester Gifts

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

6 Brothers Falafel

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Rump roast?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Needs salt!'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

Pastry Hat

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Kitchen Kapers

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."