Food Jester Gifts

'He's all eyes!'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

Pope tarts.

Husband bakes a pie

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"Gigot de sept heures."

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"More helium."

"All rise."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

'The recipe said to simmer uncovered!'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'