Food Jester Pillows

'He's all eyes!'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Husband bakes a pie

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"Gigot de sept heures."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"More helium."

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"All rise."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'