Culinary Jester Gifts

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

'The bad news is we have to amputate your liver - the good news is it'll be great with onions!'

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

"Umm, smell that? That's the annual accountant's Cooking the Books Cook-Off."

'TIMBER-R-R!!'

'Leave us alone, you big bully!'

'We don't have pressed duck, but we could shove around a chicken for you.'

'It must be the onions.'

Middle Age Spread.

'We'll have to eat out tonight- the kitchen is closed for inventory.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"That's the smoke alarm - our dinner must be ready...!"

"A white whale took my leg, but I lost my eye to the ship's cook and a frozen fish finger!"

"Just how rare is this steak..."

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

To do before Saturday...

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

Husband bakes a pie

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Gigot de sept heures."

'He's all eyes!'

"More helium."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

'I'm going to bake you a sponge cake...where do we keep the sponges?'

"If you're such an expert, you cook the lobster next time."

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,