Food Critic Humor Gifts

'Oh waiter... there are no flies in my soup!'

The smokiness of this overpowers my palate --- I'd like some bacon with more subtle flavors. A swine snob.

'Welcome monsieur et madame, may I take your coats, gloves and savings?'

"I don't want any of that old stuff you tried to palm me off with last time!"

Dear, this is the third time we've had broccoli casserole since you declared an end of major hostilities.

'Whoa, this is an exiguous amount of cheese for $25.00, you need to put on a tie.'

"Your egg is bad? Don't blame me, I only laid the table!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"States of tofu"

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

6 Brothers Falafel

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

Lesser known greek gods,

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Rump roast?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."