Food Anthropomorphist Gifts

TV's hot new political show: Meet the Produce. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. Let's be frank. The Republicans have no fiscal discipline. And the tax-and-spend liberals do? We're not ballooning the deficit! Waging war to promote freedom is not free! You stupid rotten vegetable! You're low in vitamin E! Cut to commercial.

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

View to the Future

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"To paraphrase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure without pain au chocolat."

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'If I order pasta and she orders antipasta, did we really order anything?'

Surprise in the salad bowl

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son - Just enjoy being a mostaccioli while it lasts.

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"What does the time traveler do when he's hungry? Go back four seconds."

'Young lady, I'm afraid existential despair is no excuse for not eating your lima beans.'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"Is it free-range?"

The Politics of Food.

"They have oat fiber, wheat fiber, and rice fiber, but no moral fiber."

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"First you make a roux."

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"I can't have anything that's a food."

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

O'Malley's Pub. Special: Cloned Beef and Cabbage. Is nothing sacred anymore?

“Children hate me.”