Follicular Philosopher Gifts

"Ambitions... To have a bad hair day."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"It turns out crows find a bunch of dead crows more frightening than a man made out of hay."

Pigeon Little

George Orwell

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"Wait... what was it I came up here for?"

'A rose by any other name means I flunked the botany test.'

Reverse psychology

"Let's try for dignified yet playful, while maintaining the spirit of preservation."

Not you. Your hair.

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Death coach..."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Cars follow the sign to the mall rather than the sign to the manger.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"I took the road less travelled just to avoid the potholes."

"I once experienced childlike wonder. . . but it was just my anti-depressants kicking in."

Park cleaner orders leaf to come down.

Grass: We lost some good men today!

'He wants some hair restorer for his birthday.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

Rodin's 'The Thinker' imagines himself as Rodin's 'The Kiss'.