Flight Attendant Gifts

"Ladies and gentlemen, is there a bankruptcy attorney on board?"

"This is coach class. Let's lose the smile."

"No, you're not in a box. You're in an exit row. And I need you to acknowledge that verbally."

'On the plus side folks, we'll be landing way, way ahead of schedule.'

Airplane Seatbelts

"At this time I'd like to ask you to remain calm, fasten your seat belt and flap your arms just as fast as you can."

'You can relax now, ladies and gentlemen, , , we're through all of that rough turbulence,'

"I used to be afraid of flying, but thanks to airplanes, not anymore."

Einstein discovers that time can stop completely.

"In case of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you for two dollars."

'Oops' Plane crash

'He must be going economy!'

On the plus side, folks, we should have you on the ground way, way ahead of schedule...

'Relax, folks, he just did that for me. When I get the hiccups, a little scare never fails to cure them.'

"You have to walk around on these long hall flights to avoid thrombosis.. "

"It's been nice talking to you, but I should probably get back to staring blankly ahead."

'The charges are correct, sir. The airline now charges for emotional baggage as well.'

"Don't worry. Insurance should cover it."

Further Cutbacks

"I can get you to San Francisco through Dallas via Atlanta, but we'd have to take a kidney right here and now."

'Would you mind holding my hand Jim? The truth is, I'm deathly afraid of flying.'

"Well, thank goodness that was a soft landing!"

A flight attendant reads a magazine on the jump seat and there is a bullwhip above her head.

'I'm sorry, we don't have chicken or fish. However, we do have a choice of surcharges. Would you prefer fuel, technology upgrade or new labor deal?'

'I'm not saying you wouldn't try to do the right thing in an emergency, it's just. . . look at your freaky little arms.'

'You know, you remind me of me when I first started here.'

"I'll put this device onto flight mode when you put this plane onto flight mode."

Airline Mergers.

'At this time, we would like to call those passengers who feel compelled to board before their row numbers are announced.'

'We have a problem, Bob! All the passengers back there are on the wrong plane. Even the attendants are on the wrong plane. Hey, wait - you're not Bob.'

Product Recall (aeroplane)

"It's ten to five. Please raise your seatback to its full upright and locked position."

"Your pilot is still de-icing."

'OK everyone, standard brief - I take two cups of coffee before take-off, another with lunch and a twenty minute bathroom break on decent.'

"...Tell them we're encountering turbulence."