Flameproof Financier Gifts

"Who says you can't take it with you? This one has a fireproof lining."

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

"The Internet startup had only enough cash for one more day. But, miraculously, the money lasted for eight days, until more venture capital could be raised."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"Prices may keep going up, up, up, but my love for you will remain positively, and forever, as is."

'Well, maybe upteen zillion was too general a cost estimate.'

'Don't come too close - this baby will tear you to pieces, bite your head off and drink your blood... I've called him 'Fiscal Policy'.'

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'Can Mr. Sloan call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Somebody in Boise needs my help. Run a credit check."

Stress on GPs

'What, you again? And you'll want credit as usual, I suppose!'

International Speculators

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

"It's called investing! You give me your worm now, I eat half of it, feed the other half to the fish and, in a month, we share the fish 10/90 my way. . ."

Man to man: 'I turned down a raise because I'm afraid of heights.'

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

'The market was down today substantially on fears that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'

'Instead of a medal, could you just give me a tax cut?'

Investor's Nightmare.

'My dad showed me how to make awesome paper airplanes out of corporate bonds.'

Stocks have ruined me....'Poor devil!'

'No more!'

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

'I hear you have a side business.'

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

Forest Fire Hazard

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"The market was volatile."

'Do you remember those good old days when we had nothing to fear but fear itself?'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"