Fixer-upper Aficionado Pillows

"Neglected, his body slowly deteriorated until suddenly, he bursts open, innards flooding the floor."

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

Man to pets about upside down house: 'I don't care who started it!'

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'When does the improvement phase of this home improvement project begin?'

We'll take a carpenter, painter, plumber...

"Thanks to our self-driving car, Fred channels all his road rage energy into doing chores around the house!"

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

Darn you, you stupid hammer!

'He may not be accurate but he's resourceful'

The Upholstery Consultant

"This does NOT count as fixing the leaky faucet, mister!"

"According to the instructions, if the product is found to be faulty, dispose of it responsibly and purchase another."

"Larry made that chair from a pile of sticks."

'Not only did I fix the leak, but when you run the hot water it plays 'Harlem Nocturne'.'

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

DIY Store "I don't know why we come here..."

Well paid job

"First thing when you get home tonight help me with the refrigerator."

'While we're on the subject, when are you going to do something about those potholes in our driveway at home?'

'Buy this house sir, and you could be a star in a DIY make-over programme!'

"Who would you like me to call first, the electrician or the plumber?"

"Thanks for fixing the muffler."

"Is it really necessary to shout 'Nailed it!' every time you hammer a nail?"

'Now that you've got it running again, how do you stop it?'

"Here's a video showing how to fix a toilet. It shows a guy calling a plumber."

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"