Fixer-upper Dreamer Pillows

'...And a free set of tools goes with it.'

DIY Store "I don't know why we come here..."

boy plugging leak in a barrel with his finger

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

"We needed to replace our kitchen floor and it kind of grew from there."

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

Man to pets about upside down house: 'I don't care who started it!'

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

'If I lived there, the first thing I'd do is have my head examined.'

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'When does the improvement phase of this home improvement project begin?'

We'll take a carpenter, painter, plumber...

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

"Thanks to our self-driving car, Fred channels all his road rage energy into doing chores around the house!"

'He may not be accurate but he's resourceful'

Darn you, you stupid hammer!

The Upholstery Consultant

"According to the instructions, if the product is found to be faulty, dispose of it responsibly and purchase another."

"This does NOT count as fixing the leaky faucet, mister!"

"Larry made that chair from a pile of sticks."

'Not only did I fix the leak, but when you run the hot water it plays 'Harlem Nocturne'.'

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

'While we're on the subject, when are you going to do something about those potholes in our driveway at home?'

Well paid job

"First thing when you get home tonight help me with the refrigerator."

'Buy this house sir, and you could be a star in a DIY make-over programme!'

"To be honest, we were thinking of something like a Cape Cod."

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

"Who would you like me to call first, the electrician or the plumber?"

A sudden draft. The moment he first felt comfortable calling himself a plumber.