First Time Hosting Holiday Pillows

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Wine Lady

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

Join me in a Martini?

Party time.

'Ron's not drunk - he's pouting because we won't play Pictionary.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

'Seven layers in one dip? Gentlemen, what have we wrought?'

"Come to our microbrew party Saturday. It's B.Y.O.B. — Bring Your Own Brewery."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'We can always cook it one half at a time.'

Barbecue

"If you dress in a costume that they can't figure out, they feel guilty and give you more candy."

The Problem with On-the-fly Christmas Caroling

'I couldn't find my measuring cups, so I had to kind of wing it with the stuffing.'

'Tea minus one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds.'

'It's your babysitter, where do you keep your fire extinguisher?'

"If they don't show up soon I'll have to admit I forgot to invite them."

'If you'll excuse me, I'm going to work the room.'

'Sorry there's no food. We were kind of hoping you'd bring some.'

'Hey hon, everyone and their dog is here!'

'Just bring a few hundred sausages, plenty of wine and of course your barbeque.'

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"I'm hanging tough, guys, but have I mentioned how much I resent you for always making me hold the table?"

Christmas Canapes

"'Host' and Cheese?"

'The three essentials for any wine are terroir, the producer and how envious it makes your guests.'

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"Don't mention Pat Buchanan, pro or con."