First-time Host Pillows

"It's the first time I've cooked Christmas dinner.. so I'm doing a salad."

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

Fishermen

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

"The official measure of an inch is three iPhones stacked on top of each other."

'We can always cook it one half at a time.'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

Larry King

"A table in Siberia, please."

Do you go for Hannity or O'Reilly? Tough call. O'Reilly's presence is so big, fearless. Whereas Hannity has a wicked fast tongue and such inner strength. As symbolized externally by his jawline. O'Reilly is so tall. Something strange is happening. Coulter's a bit masculine for my tastes. Ditto. HOJ.

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

Clive Anderson

'Tea minus one hour thirty minutes and ten seconds.'

'...And now, stay tuned for 'America's Funniest Presidential Debates'!'