Financial Report Reader Gifts

"He's reading the quarterly report in the rain so no one can tell that his face is streaked with tears."

"Thank you for that summation of the charts."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"The itsy-bitsy spider went up the corporate ladder. And he didn't care how many lives he ruined along the way. I know, this isn't the book Simon & Schuster wants. But it's the damn truth."

White House Garage Sale.

Financial chart with frowny and smiley faces.

'You forgot the product label.'

Passing the Pension Time Bomb

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

"Your job will be to make these results look Stellar."

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"I can't go on reading this. . . I'm scared to death!"

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"The bottom line is that we're going out on our bottoms!"

'My mentor and role model was a frequent flyer.'

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'This year we're in really great shape. Nobody understands our financial statement!'

Bad news airbag

"The bank examiners are here, oh!...I see you already know."

'The idea bureaucracy is on the increase is RIDICULOUS... and I have the reports to prove it!'

"I'm afraid the umbrella constitutes an enclosed space and must be taken down."

'My work is based on a version of the truth, but I believe the truth to be fluid...'

"No, I'm afraid Pluto is never in the dog house."

The UN Forest. . . after its latest 3000 page climate report is released.

"Our credit rating has improved. There's a pre-approved credit card in the report."

'Even our phony subsidiary had a lousy quarter.'

'I'd like to see us start making a little more of this money, up here.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'I love doing surprise inspections.'

"Based on the economy and your rate of savings, I've updated your retirement projections."