Report Reader Gifts

"I see the gist of your report is that we should take on more consultants."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'Instead of a bedtime story, I'm going to read you my company's report for the third quarter.'

"About this progress report...we seem to have...taken a step...backward."

The UN Forest. . . after its latest 3000 page climate report is released.

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

Charities should investigate whether published reports are 'Misleadingly Positive'.

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

"These fourth grade marks are confusing...I got a B on the assignment, so is that like a smiley face or a star?"

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

White House Garage Sale.

"Will you stop 'tutting' until I've finished my report."

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

'Mistakes were made...'

"Sure you can see my report card but I'll have to charge you for shipping and handling."

"All As? Are you hacking into the school's records again?"

"I can't go on reading this. . . I'm scared to death!"

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

At the Penguin fishing school: 'Gunvald has set the bar kind of high, gang!'

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'My mentor and role model was a frequent flyer.'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'I would have had these reports done sooner, but someone rolled a ball with a bell inside it into my cubicle.'