Financial Novice Gifts

'Hey, this is nice! You should see my starter cave!'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio?'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Business of Fingerpointing Line Art

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

Today we learned to count to one.

Shop struggles to sell books about recession: '90 per cent off on all credit crunch books' (Titles incluude: Beat the Crunch! Who's to Blame? We're all Doomed!)

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Warning that Inflationary Policies Could Lead to Crash on Wall St

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"Allow me to introduce Recession. Recession is here to stay."

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"Hey, honey, the credit card company increased our debt... I mean our credit limit!"

"I was downgraded to junk status at work today."

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

Money Plant.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'Does it bother you that we have all the money?'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"That was too many fresh original voices for one night."

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"We balanced our budget this month!"

'Stand back! All he needs is an injection of long-term capital.'

Bookstore. The Stock Market for Dummies. It's either an instructional guide or a history of recent economics.

"Did you hear that that bastard McMinney has buggered of to work for Bank of America!"

Tempest in a Teapot