Finance Newbie Gifts

'You want to ask your uncle for investment advice? That's like asking Shaq for free-throw lessons.'

"Hey, my credit score is 271!! - It's a shame I don't even know what a 'credit score' is tho'. . ."

The day the stock market went UP.

Great Chinese Dynasties

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Business of Fingerpointing Line Art

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

The Shrinking Dollar.

Shop struggles to sell books about recession: '90 per cent off on all credit crunch books' (Titles incluude: Beat the Crunch! Who's to Blame? We're all Doomed!)

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Warning that Inflationary Policies Could Lead to Crash on Wall St

Slipping and sliding down the slope...

'For an explanation of the financial terms of this loan, please enroll in a continuing-education economics class at your local community college.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"Allow me to introduce Recession. Recession is here to stay."

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

'Make them a four billion dollar takeover offer, but don't cause a fuss.'

"Hey, honey, the credit card company increased our debt... I mean our credit limit!"

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"That was too many fresh original voices for one night."

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

Money Plant.

'Does it bother you that we have all the money?'

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'