Financial Joker Pillows

"Your sole use of credit has been to purchase Chinese takeout food. That's why you can't get a mortgage."

'We decided the current system for reviewing corporation tax was too complex so we'll trial the 'think of a number and then double it' method.'

'The shareholders are in an uproar; they demand change. Bob, switch seats with Gerald.'

Sales - We could try a 'free offer' but it would cost us.

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

"Ms. Booth, when I said the 'Fundamentals are good', it means I get a commission whether clients buy or sell."

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'I came up here as phase two of a 'Buy Low, Sell High' strategy.'

I'm afraid your portfolio of shares looks like an accident waiting to happen.

'Hope you don't mind...because it's the holiday season, I've written 'Happy New Year' where the amount should be.'

Guess the size of my bonus and win a free lottery ticket.

"I once considered running away, but he gives me an incentive allowance bonus for remaining as a tax deduction."

"Before I get into how much more money I've lost in accounting errors, how many zeros are in a billion?"

Why markets crash.

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

'Wait a minute....!

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

Note Book

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

Man on a unicycle trying to guard credit from nasty 'Bankruptcy'.

Happy New Year...we feel a little overtime won't hurt you.

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

"Oh, him? He's the guy who changes the interest rate when it's set by the fed."

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

'Yes, that's our bathroom. We're a startup, so plumbing and running water is a luxury.'

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'