Financial Jesters Pillows

"Happy New Quarter."

'Yes - make sure you're sitting down! I have a complaint about a standing order.'

"Once upon a time there was a kind old bank that did not charge its customers a fee."

"We've isolated your disease, Mrs. Grosenik. We can proceed as soon as we isolate your checkbook."

"I was thinking income when you mentioned double dipping."

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

Why markets crash.

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

'We decided the current system for reviewing corporation tax was too complex so we'll trial the 'think of a number and then double it' method.'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"'Start a company, make money.' Your business plan may be missing a few steps in the middle."

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

'Wait a minute....!

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

Footing The Bill

"Oh, him? He's the guy who changes the interest rate when it's set by the fed."

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

Sales - We could try a 'free offer' but it would cost us.

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

"Of course we're not in a recession. No one has even jumped out of a window."

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'