Financial Jest Pillows

Economic Conference.

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Why markets crash.

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'We decided the current system for reviewing corporation tax was too complex so we'll trial the 'think of a number and then double it' method.'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

'Wait a minute....!

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

Sales - We could try a 'free offer' but it would cost us.

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

'Till debt do us part...'

'I hate to tell you this, but there was a hole in my pocket, and I lost the budget surplus.'

Dog Beginning For A Loan

'My Dad won't let me tell what I did on my summer vacation...he doesn't want anyone to know where he set up his offshore bank accounts.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'I've heard of cooking the books... but how did you rotisserie them and why?'

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

"Of course we're not in a recession. No one has even jumped out of a window."

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'