Financial Jest Prints

Economic Conference.

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Why markets crash.

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'We decided the current system for reviewing corporation tax was too complex so we'll trial the 'think of a number and then double it' method.'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

'Wait a minute....!

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

Sales - We could try a 'free offer' but it would cost us.

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

'Till debt do us part...'

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

Dog Beginning For A Loan

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

"Of course we're not in a recession. No one has even jumped out of a window."

'I hate to tell you this, but there was a hole in my pocket, and I lost the budget surplus.'

'I've heard of cooking the books... but how did you rotisserie them and why?'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'My Dad won't let me tell what I did on my summer vacation...he doesn't want anyone to know where he set up his offshore bank accounts.'

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'