Finance Funnery Pillows

'My credit report. Well - they said it's the lowest ever, but on the flip side I'll be in the Guinness World Record book.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

British savings accounts

'You're close, Spencer, but usually a business plan is a little more involved!'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Piggy bank #5: carrying (colour).

What happens when the bears are running the market.

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

'In order to fund your deferred compensation, we won't be paying you any salary.'

"Okay, like, the good news is we can pay Paul. The bad news is we gotta rob Peter."

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

'Well, maybe upteen zillion was too general a cost estimate.'

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

'And finally, a steady decline in earnings has forced us to trim the presentations budget.'

'I love it when you say - 'I'm going to print money'.'

'Oh, wait. There's a note. It says; Fill her up with euros.'

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

'It takes great courage of conviction to know you're wrong, yet still proceed forward.'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

"That was a rumor day."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Looks like your recovery has been slowed by a diet rich in Greece, followed by a bout of gas problems. Continue to take your QE and call me next quarter.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

'Till debt do us part...'

'Stocks fell on the news that whatever can go wrong, usually does go wrong.'

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."

Bookkeeping Club

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

Guess your net worth, only 25 cents.

'He, also, rebounded our stocks with our endorsement deal.'