Finance Director Gifts

"I know we said we would get you a laptop.. but this will have to do until business gets better."

Expenses/Income. "Our only problem is working out how to switch these."

'I'm worried; these figures actually add up.'

'He's our finance director - kind of old school.'

"This is Thompson, he has a black belt in budget control."

'Our new Finance Director, Ebenezer, tells me he can start immediately on identifying areas where we can make cuts.'

Finance Director killed by falling profits

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

NHS waste.

'Thinks are worse than I thought.'

"Remember, the customer always comes first in the billing department."

Scrooge at desk. Woman says: 'Have you met the company's new Finance Director?'

If business gets any worse, I'll have to start laying off relatives!

'It refers to my executive bonus.'

Wages director's doormat: 'No.'

Job title reads; 'Captain of his Soul'.

New Salaries Director.

Fraud Squad

"Ideally, we're looking for someone who can handle change."

"Great news, I've been made finance director."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

James Bond in a Snow Globe