Film Buff With A Flair For Health Gifts

Theater Usher Moms.

"Do you guys serve beer?"

'Well, well, well...'

Be Healthy

Distance to avoid contagion

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Fitness guru.'

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'He's fine, it's only man flu not swine flu.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"My approach is nontraditional, but from a uniquely Western perspective."

Health Nut with a 60-Pack

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

The NHS begins using outside contractors for routine operations.

"In my workout this morning I hit a new personal best, but on a seasonally adjusted basis, my numbers actually fell."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

A tessellation of running figures.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

'I guess I don't need to ask how your new hip is working out.'

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."