Fete Fanatic T-Shirts

'For heaven's sake, Armitage... Can't you just accept 2nd place in the best leek category??'

'My God! He must have been there since the last one!'

Everybody is having a great time! I'm more than just the party host --- I'm the master of my fete!

Prize vegetables.

'Well, once it's won the prize for Biggest Marrow I shall expect you to replace my fence!'

Glastonbury. After.

Mardi Gras

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

Southwark Fair.

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"10th Anniversary Woodstock Reunion'

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Friday

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

'Do I get to take an 'elfie' with Santa, too?'

"Sir, you're not on the list - we've checked it twice."

"Dessert?""No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"Do you think there's ANY possibility that the 76 pints of lager,13 bottles of wine and 12 kilos of chocolate you've had MAY have contributed to you feeling 'a bit under the weather'?"

"They make an awfully big thing of cookouts."

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

"Apparently the Ebola virus can make your ears bleed."

'I told him not to wear stretchy pants to dinner.'

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

The Epsom Derby - Omnibus in Motion

"Hmm. The lights are on, but nobody's home..."

Christmas sweater alternatives

'Thanks mum, it's just what I always wanted!'