Fete Fanatic Pillows

'For heaven's sake, Armitage... Can't you just accept 2nd place in the best leek category??'

'My God! He must have been there since the last one!'

Prize vegetables.

'Well, once it's won the prize for Biggest Marrow I shall expect you to replace my fence!'

Glastonbury. After.

Mardi Gras

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

Southwark Fair.

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"10th Anniversary Woodstock Reunion'

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

Friday

"Dessert?""No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"Sir, you're not on the list - we've checked it twice."

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

'Do I get to take an 'elfie' with Santa, too?'

"Do you think there's ANY possibility that the 76 pints of lager,13 bottles of wine and 12 kilos of chocolate you've had MAY have contributed to you feeling 'a bit under the weather'?"

"They make an awfully big thing of cookouts."

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

"Apparently the Ebola virus can make your ears bleed."

Christmas sweater alternatives

The Epsom Derby - Omnibus in Motion

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

'Thanks mum, it's just what I always wanted!'

Fat Kid 3- Pet slug runs amok (colour)

'But enough of our golden oldies! Here's a new one we just wrote called 'Middled-Aged Hearing Loss!''

'And that,and that,and that...'