Festive Wordsmith Gifts

''Happy Holidays'? -- Don't tell me YOU'RE getting politically correct, now?'

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

"If x is the set of all men that love you, then I am a member of x."

I think you're ace

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

Best Seller

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

Mother Goose's Haiku

Intellectual Foreplay...

A Poet

'He never listened to his mother!'

You trip on it, you buy it.

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

Sharp Eyes

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

Olden Day Battle of the Bands (Bard vs Sonnet).

Novelist, writing her own vows... runs into writer's block.

'You use the former when wooing your beloved and the latter during negotiations with your divorce lawyers.'

"I love you a bushel and a peck. How else?"