Festive Nitpicker Gifts

"Look! The name is Donder! Not Donner! It's Donder! Got it? Good!"

"When it's that old, you don't need to add 'A.D.' or 'B.C.'"

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

"The cookies are always stale."

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'In these estimates, I've tried, like always, to err on the side of total lunacy.'

Pucker up!

Christmas escape plan

Clearing Away Christmas

'Where were you on the night of October 31st?'

"People seem to be saying, Christmas is early, much earlier than they did last year."

'Twas the night after Christmas.

I love a lazy Sunday. What do we have planned, Dear? Just the usual. Oh yes. What time shall we do it? How about now? Sounds good. I'm ready. One, two, three … You kids get off my lawn! Now let's snuggle. We're not even on your lawn! Quit sassin'!

'We're starting a new diet today -- do you want your tofu scrambled or fried?'

"So, you're claiming 32 million gifts as a legitimate business expense."

'Bless you!'

"I think climate change could be a factor in this election."

'I get stressed at Christmas time too, but it's not for the same reasons as you...'

"I set your phone to remind you every 5 minutes of what I want for Christmas. It's annoying, but effective."

Inland Revenue Complaints Dept.

"I can't believe it's that time of year already."

Chewing on Happy Birthday letters.

Easter chocolate

'No wine, but tidings of great joy.'

'Hey, baby-pucker up!...Come over here and give Santa a big ol'smoocheroo!'

'Couldn't get insurance for my sled.'

"Well, if you're sure 7x8 doesn't equal 62, then we'll have to recall 3 million units."

"Believe me, you're not the first guy who tried to impress a date by saying the book was better than the movie not knowing it was never a book."

'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.'

'Bobby the brown nose reindeer never gained the same respect from Santa as his older brother Rudolph'

Bird Table/Table Bird.

"He died at the end. There. I've spoiled every story every written."

Santa 'Three Wishes' Genie.

No One Is Ever Good Enough For Mr. Persnickety