Fertility Clinic Humorist Gifts

Sperm bank 'Thank you for coming'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

Cardiac Recovery.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"I'd better enjoy this while I can. It's the only home I'll own without a mortgage!"

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"This will be a tricky operation."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."